Being just average is a fear of mine. I don’t know if you share in that fear. If you do I’m happy I’m not alone in this but at the same time so disappointed that I’m not the only one. I want to stand out. I have to. If I don’t I’ll dwindle into a non-existent state in the world of billions. But the more I search inside my mind for some extraordinary I only discover signs of desperation to leave this path of being generic and as bland as plain porridge. I want to be the colour that you sprinkle  of your beige boring breakfast. I want to be the strawberry, the blueberry, the banana. No. I want to be something more peculiar than fruit. May I could be the stuffed olive you have with your morning oats. Because I’m different. I’m so old fashioned I can become fresh material. 

Let me explain a little more why I fear being so mediocre. I am currently studying a design course. Fashion textiles to be exact. I have enjoyed my time at university, designing being creative, it’s what I love to do. However, on this creative path I have endeavoured many other creative minds. Minds that create bin ways I could never. With quirky nauseating sketches of worlds and monsters I could never even imagine when I’m high. They are trend creators, the new youth club of under ground artists who just won’t fit in to societies standards of just about anything. They are just too cool to be doing anything expected. You expect them to wear they’re chunky boots, drinking vegan lattes and snort the night away to fuck the establishment and all they’re patriarchy, racist, homophobic regimes? Nope. They are gone paving the way for the next big left wing movement. Pride just isn’t niche enough for them now every loves it. Fuck the mainstream. 

Well what I am saying is I have a lot of things to compare myself to. I have hardly any followers on the gram (please follow me, I’m desperate for the attention,*) no in group of friends, (I’m sorry I didn’t mean it I love you guys lets go eat Ben and Jerrys’ and pull the stuffing out of that heart shaped pillow), and no quirky alien, psychedelic, soul wrenching, depressing, women empowering art. I’m just not edgy enough. I draw pictures of birds, trees and flowers and turn them into a piece of woven cloth. Does this qualify me to be a young artist? Your granny would drool lustfully over the dowdy designs. But not even them. I’m so ageist!** I’m a whiny bitch who cries over being generic. But I’m scared of being average. I’ve spent my teenage years competing with my art. To get a place in a top university, to win internships and exchange placements, to get likes on Instagram, just to get noticed so I can have an audience to sell my art too! My grades are good because I research and follow the trends like I’m told to do. Apart from when I received a C for not being able to cut a straight line (fuck societies straight lines amiright?) 

I was writing in my diary just the other moment and I thought, “I bet those artsy folk I went to school with have way more cooler doodles than I do.” And suddenly I feel unqualified to even pick up a pencil. I can try and copy artists that I deem, “edgy” and “hip.” And maybe that’s not a bad thing. I haven’t found my unique artist style yet. So may it isn’t such a bad thing am mediocre. There are plenty of us out there. I’m still going to aim to become that special snowflake of an artist but until then I’m going to take every opportunity to experiment learn and expose my self to every genre of art I can find. Because I love creating art but I love discovering more. 

Thanks for reading,

Mhairi

*cries internally 

**Sorry Iris  

***This is not the sort of art I put my life in to creating

****I have no idea who these people are. I just found an image on pinterest because it would be creepy if I used a cool photo of acquaintances that I envy.